There are a couple of things within the world's culture that are Taboo. Things that are too private to speak of, too sacred, and maybe even just too filled with discomfort and sadness - but some of those things shouldn't have to be taboo in our dialogue with the world.
This Taboo topic I'd like to share with you is Miscarriage.
In my studies at BYU, I became very familiar with miscarriage and the fact that it happens A LOT. If you want statistics I can get them for you, but the jist of it is, it happens to most women - sometimes they don't even know it has happened because it occurs before their normal cycle. However, for some, it takes place after you've started making plans for a child; and thus is the case with us.
We have discussed telling people, but it is just a little too painful to tell people face to face because of the pity. (It is the most human, kind & natural response to such news - but a soul that is sad can only take so much pity. So - with that being said, please do not sorrow for us. We have lived the sadness and have received help from our immediate families to cope with the loss - so, if you will, be hopeful with us.) Jake has agreed that we should inform you in a personal, yet - not so intimate, way. AKA: to all of those who have been asking when we are planning to have kids, and light-heartedly jesting about the littles in our future... please, give us some time. Don't feel bad if it has been you doing such things - how were you to know?
So, for therapeutic purposes (all for my sanity - of course), I will help you to understand a little bit of what it feels like to experience a miscarriage, and more poignantly - my gory details. (Gory is pushing it - but, it is what it is.)
Miscarriages are a difficult kind of beast. All my life I had felt like I would have one - kind of sad when you say it out loud, but true nonetheless. Our pregnancy happened so quickly after we began trying that we were surprised & terrified, but mostly excited that our own baby little would be coming to share the world with us. I honestly didn't believe the first pregnancy test I took because, simply, it just happened so quickly. So, I took two more - and yep, we were gonna have a BABE CHILD! I, OF COURSE, started looking online for pregnancy essentials - every single baby needs list on the internet #alwayssodramatic, and what to expect of a pregnancy. I was already starting to become nauseous - food was NOT always my best friend, and my body just felt WEIRD.
Not long after we started to make plans, I was at work when the spotting began. At first I thought I was fine, I knew that light spotting could happen and it was nothing to fret over. But then the spotting turned into much more. Cramps, more blood, discomfort. After I returned home I called my mom, to which she encouraged me to see my Dr. The night that followed was one of the most painful and uncomfortable nights I have ever experienced. Contractions were Painful. It took everything I had to keep breathing through the tears.
That next morning I went in to the clinic with J. My Dr. asked us many questions, had me take a pregnancy test (which was still positive) & referred me to an OB-GYN. This was a confusing moment for me - I was upset that she didn't have an affirmative answer for me, but she wasn't positive or optimistic about the outcome either, so needless to say I was just having a real rough day. Later that morning I was shuffled to another practice to get blood work done & then to another facility, that early afternoon, to meet with my new Dr.
He was a very kind and optimistic fellow, speaking in layman terms about what all of my symptoms meant - but, by this point, I was just wanting to get this over with. He then proceeded with the ultrasound - only finding the clot that was causing me so much pain - *LOOK AWAY IF YOU'RE QUEASY for the rest of the paragraph* and he then had to go up my hoo-haa and take out about a golf ball size of tissue and blood that was clotting and causing me so much pain.
He then declared it an official miscarriage and that was that.
However, the feelings don't end there. I was all brave faced to my doctor but then started sobbing in the parking lot. Mostly feelings of - this is all my fault! kept flowing into my mind. I know, I know, it just happens sometimes. But, I felt a huge burden upon my shoulders as if there was something I could have done to save it.
This experience takes the #2 slot of Feeling the most Alone that I ever have in my life. This is in large part due to me - instead of trusting God, I became angry. I continually asked: If he has all of this power, why didn't he prevent this from happening?! How is one supposed to move on from this when every FREAKIN' place you turn there is a new pregnancy announcement on your FB & Instagram feeds? #bumpdates #babiesEVERYWHERE
Don't get me wrong - I was, and am, SO happy for all of you who are experiencing such joy. But, a part of me just didn't understand how to cope when it was highlighting a reminder to my soul of what I had just lost.
So to make this 'Taboo' long story short I want to end with this: Treat others with compassion, as you have no idea what they are secretly struggling with. If you are struggling with a miscarriage - please, talk to me about it. Empathy is a powerful healing mechanism. And lastly, use your Agency wisely. Don't turn on God. It is realistic to be upset and angry - but recognize that our frustration is rooted in our fallen state - in our own human failings and inabilities. He is the only one who can lift you above the sorrows. Trust in Him. Believe that there are better things ahead then any you leave behind. We all need hope - and He is the only way to have it.
#TosstheTaboo
