Our TABOO Story

There are a couple of things within the world's culture that are Taboo.  Things that are too private to speak of, too sacred, and maybe even just too filled with discomfort and sadness - but some of those things shouldn't have to be taboo in our dialogue with the world.

This Taboo topic I'd like to share with you is Miscarriage.

In my studies at BYU, I became very familiar with miscarriage and the fact that it happens A LOT. If you want statistics I can get them for you, but the jist of it is, it happens to most women - sometimes they don't even know it has happened because it occurs before their normal cycle.  However, for some, it takes place after you've started making plans for a child; and thus is the case with us.

We have discussed telling people, but it is just a little too painful to tell people face to face because of the pity.  (It is the most human, kind & natural response to such news - but a soul that is sad can only take so much pity.  So - with that being said, please do not sorrow for us.  We have lived the sadness and have received help from our immediate families to cope with the loss - so, if you will, be hopeful with us.) Jake has agreed that we should inform you in a personal, yet - not so intimate, way.  AKA: to all of those who have been asking when we are planning to have kids, and light-heartedly jesting about the littles in our future... please, give us some time. Don't feel bad if it has been you doing such things - how were you to know?

So, for therapeutic purposes (all for my sanity - of course), I will help you to understand a little bit of what it feels like to experience a miscarriage, and more poignantly - my gory details. (Gory is pushing it - but, it is what it is.)

Miscarriages are a difficult kind of beast.  All my life I had felt like I would have one - kind of sad when you say it out loud, but true nonetheless.  Our pregnancy happened so quickly after we began trying that we were surprised & terrified, but mostly excited that our own baby little would be coming to share the world with us.  I honestly didn't believe the first pregnancy test I took because, simply, it just happened so quickly. So, I took two more - and yep, we were gonna have a BABE CHILD! I, OF COURSE, started looking online for pregnancy essentials - every single baby needs list on the internet #alwayssodramatic, and what to expect of a pregnancy.  I was already starting to become nauseous - food was NOT always my best friend, and my body just felt WEIRD.

Not long after we started to make plans, I was at work when the spotting began.  At first I thought I was fine, I knew that light spotting could happen and it was nothing to fret over.  But then the spotting turned into much more.  Cramps, more blood, discomfort. After I returned home I called my mom, to which she encouraged me to see my Dr.  The night that followed was one of the most painful and uncomfortable nights I have ever experienced.  Contractions were Painful. It took everything I had to keep breathing through the tears.

That next morning I went in to the clinic with J. My Dr. asked us many questions, had me take a pregnancy test (which was still positive) & referred me to an OB-GYN. This was a confusing moment for me - I was upset that she didn't have an affirmative answer for me, but she wasn't positive or optimistic about the outcome either, so needless to say I was just having a real rough day. Later that morning I was shuffled to another practice to get blood work done & then to another facility, that early afternoon, to meet with my new Dr.

He was a very kind and optimistic fellow, speaking in layman terms about what all of my symptoms meant - but, by this point, I was just wanting to get this over with.  He then proceeded with the ultrasound - only finding the clot that was causing me so much pain - *LOOK AWAY IF YOU'RE QUEASY for the rest of the paragraph* and he then had to go up my hoo-haa and take out about a golf ball size of tissue and blood that was clotting and causing me so much pain.

He then declared it an official miscarriage and that was that.

However, the feelings don't end there. I was all brave faced to my doctor but then started sobbing in the parking lot.  Mostly feelings of - this is all my fault! kept flowing into my mind.  I know, I know, it just happens sometimes.  But, I felt a huge burden upon my shoulders as if there was something I could have done to save it.

This experience takes the #2 slot of Feeling the most Alone that I ever have in my life.  This is in large part due to me - instead of trusting God, I became angry. I continually asked: If he has all of this power, why didn't he prevent this from happening?! How is one supposed to move on from this when every FREAKIN' place you turn there is a new pregnancy announcement on your FB & Instagram feeds? #bumpdates #babiesEVERYWHERE
Don't get me wrong - I was, and am, SO happy for all of you who are experiencing such joy. But, a part of me just didn't understand how to cope when it was highlighting a reminder to my soul of what I had just lost.

So to make this 'Taboo' long story short I want to end with this: Treat others with compassion, as you have no idea what they are secretly struggling with.  If you are struggling with a miscarriage - please, talk to me about it.  Empathy is a powerful healing mechanism. And lastly, use your Agency wisely.  Don't turn on God. It is realistic to be upset and angry - but recognize that our frustration is rooted in our fallen state - in our own human failings and inabilities. He is the only one who can lift you above the sorrows. Trust in Him.  Believe that there are better things ahead then any you leave behind.  We all need hope - and He is the only way to have it.

#TosstheTaboo

So what is success, anyway..

"The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves.  And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it." -Tuesdays with Morrie

The decision to go to a university to pursue my education was the best decision I could have ever made, but not for the reasons you would think...
Many people say you need a Bachelor degree in order to succeed, to mark your 'greatness', to get ahead in the workforce. AND directly following, said degree, you need to be going to grad school, or graduating with a job offer...
But to that I say: "LIES!" I mean, don't get me wrong, - it has its value for those who desire after that, but it puts very strict boundaries on what can make people happy & successful in life.

The real reason why I am grateful for my education is because it taught me to question the world - to question what I am told - if we believe everything we hear and are taught, without giving it thought and examining the value, than who are we? What makes us unique is using our intelligence to make a different decision than anyone else, which creates us into becoming individuals that have something to offer the world; rather than yet another mindless human who sways with, literally, whatever the world tells them to.  For an example of what I mean: (kind of off subject) Jimmy Kimmel did a HILARIOUS video about the whole Gluten-free fad that is going on.. WATCH IT.  Jimmy Kimmel - What is gluten?

Basically, nobody knows why they are doing what they are doing... THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. STOP GOING WITH THE FLOW, HUMANS!!!

*Unless you are allergic, then continue on in your ways; you poor, poor souls.*

The beauty is in the diversity. What brings meaning into my life is not going to be what brings meaning into your life; and that is a good thing.  In realizing this we come to the realization that we can not, and must not, judge others success based upon what we believe success to be.

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life.  They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important.  This is because they're chasing the wrong things.  The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning." - Tuesdays with Morrie

Yes.

So whether your passion be vlogging, being a parent, artistry, research, teaching, etc. Find what brings you meaning and pursue that.  I'm pretty sure whatever that is, is cooler than being like everybody else.

XO - JO

AZ Bill

Every day the permeable power of the feelings & emotions of people who feel they have been wronged, or misunderstood, are felt throughout the world.  Yes, I know it is impossible to remedy a world that does not want to see eye to eye - nor can we; but I do believe there are some key points to each side of an argument that are going unsaid.

For those of us that do not get out from behind our literature text or research webpages for more than two seconds, it is hard to keep up with the evolving social world.  However, the AZ bill that refuses the rights to gay members of society has been hitting my news feed almost as frequently as covers of Let it Go from the Disney movie Frozen. Now do not get me wrong, I understand it is a big deal to a lot of people.  And I get it - it is a big deal.  But the one thing we are forgetting is what the ROOT of this problem is.

Freedom.

One of the founding principles of this nation.  We as a people are fighting to maintain this freedom.  Freedom to walk into a bakery and buy a cake without being judged for our beliefs or orientation.  With that same Freedom comes business owners - people who embrace the choice they have to accept or refuse business regardless of their reasoning.  Now, I inquire of you to forget about whose feelings may be hurt because, in Reality, it may not be fair.

News Flash = Life is not fair.

To wave a banner stating you want freedom to go where-ever you want for service is the exact same thing as waving a banner supporting taking away another human beings free choice.  You want to be free?  Well, so do they.

I'm not going to say which side I agree with because honestly, I do not know what is right.
Some of my favorite people in the world are my gay friends and the thought of someone refusing them service hurts my heart. Yet, at the same time, I know business owners who I believe should have the right to accept business because it is their business to do with as they please.

Everyone should be able to have their own opinion - but these are the facts...  Freedom is freedom.  Our founding fathers fought for it - and just because we do not like the way people use their freedom does not mean we get to determine the way they use it.

So I plead with you to find it somewhere in your heart to remember, we are all human.  We all have weaknesses and prejudices.  We do not all see the big picture.  We all stink at life sometimes.  Cease being so sensitive that you forget what you are doing here. I hope we do not spend the majority of our time alive being offended by someone whom we feel has wronged us (I have spent my fair share of time wallowing in self-pity and let me tell you - SO not worth it.) Enjoy life a little, or even A LOT.  Listen to some show tunes.  Like this...
Glee - Rain on My Parade